riot on empty streets

you’re a bird for anything shiny, you’re a cure for anything without a poetic ethic, you need more than a fair share of attention! Search for a hero in the land, you say I need less than what I ask for, and I shizzle to feel the fire burning beneath me. Hold on to what you’ve been given lately, because the world will turn whether ready or not.

I walk these streets like stranger of in my home town, learned this words; this language that form me as I speak. I am the ghost of what I left behind, for merely I find imprints of myself. And with my new born eyes, do I actually learn? Do I actually love? The parks, churches, malls all have not changed, the willow tree which we loved seeking solace in has not changed, no, it is not the fire escape symphony, neither is it because of the band. It is because of something else; something I crave intangibly. I count the days, the hours and weeks; I count the passion, the love and the emotions; I measure myself myself with no relative point.

I walk these streets and allow the sunshine to wrap its arms around me and bathe my skin in water, cool and cleansing, and feel like what it is like to be you; to soar through an atmosphere silently, because it is the potential of you and me that reflects off my mirrored perspectives that reminds me: We will be lovers, at last.

it feels nice to be able to be in control of what you want to type as the title for such a long time, rather than subjecting it to the inevitability of time.

school should start tomorrow, but it isn’t, thankfully. I don’t think I’m very much in the mood for school – but again, who is? – at least, I need to make valiant attempts of cultivating the spirit of muggerism and ontaskeness into me before I dare to step in the school compound for mere academic reasons. I find myself expressing myself in such cute and simple emoticons; somehow contradictory because it defines me to be of a semi-colon and a bracket, yet it expresses me well? Perhaps, I don’t actually know how I feel, unless it is a devastating emotion that overwhelms me (hardly)! It is more of deducing how I feel through what I do.

If one day I were to lose all poetic ethic (if i even have any, hardly actually), how would I live. SOO is tomorrow, hopefully everything turns out to be fine! I want to say so much more, but I dont find myself having the ability to express it properly.

It feels something like: I am eager to be optimistic, I am eager to be on-task and actually adhere to the unspoken resolutions (which I have decided would be simply listening to the most rational side of me albeit me not being very rational), yet there is a craving for me to conflict! to simply argue and make myself convinced. It is a a surfaced feeling that makes you uncertain and trapped in the grey area of life.  Just go off, and listen to something

Or that it simply me being increasingly shallow, ttly possible. 4 smileys in a point, what the hell haha.

OMG!!!!! MY FIRST LIVING CONSCIOUS DECADE. TO ME IN 2020, PLEASE DON’T LUFF AT THIS WHEN YOU READ THIS; YOUR PAST WAS A CUTE, AWESOME LITTLE BOY WHO COULD HARDLY MAKE ANY MATURE RATIONAL DECISIONS.

Okay, uhrm, cool. 2009 was pretty fine, I don’t know how I am going to measure my year. Some measure their year what they have achieved, by what they’ve learnt about themselves, by what they have brought change to. I don’t have an accurate, exact barometer of “awesomeness” to measure my year. I go by my arbitrary mood, I want to feel how I want to feel and right now, I think 2009 was pretty. It was pretty while we lived through it, and it seemed beautiful when you look back to realize that you are going to miss some stuff. Admittedly, I think I will miss feeling like a Sec 2, like a Sec 1, like a junior who constantly looked up to seniors. I think I will miss 2A3, 1C which was honestly quite 2 very fruitful years we spent together with all that nonsense and fun! It’s things you really take granted for that matter the most, the smallest most insignficant things! Our daily nonsense talks in the morning, rushing down to assembly late, this was all part and parcel of life and it reminds me how fast time moves, how fast I am going to grow up to be one of those adults. This year = pretty amazing I guess, I did things I would never imagine myself to do at 14, I did things that I would never learn. I learnt, I grew and somehow maybe I will continue. There are people who matter loads tho, despite me being anonymous, I shall actually dedicate it.

IN NO ORDER OF PREFERENCE! promise.

To Rae, thanks for always being there for me when I talk about the worst things ever! Complain about the stupidest things ever, I think you’re a pretty anonymous part of my life to my other friends and I think I’m going to keep it like that. 8 years of friendship, we’ve came pretty far ha ha. Remember the stupid times in primary school.

To HOTAN JIN, for being so cute and lending a listening ear, talking to me about the weirdest philosophical (or just weird.) things ever, this year would have been very different without you.

okay I’m exhausted, wtv, I’m just going to randomly list names. 2A3, 1C, debateseniors (likisssss),debaters, debatebatchmates, debatejuniors, debaters that i randomly know, friends, councilmates. I don’t want to list anymore because if I do, it’s going to not mean anything much. I will simply say that all you guys mattered, changed me someway or another and I thank you for that. Bye 2009.

40 days ago, I started something, I didn’t really finish it but it ended pretty.

I’m blogging so that I won’t think of myself that badly when I look back from the future.

I think I’m making a habit to pen down whatever I realize of myself, despite it being arbitrary, temporal, it’s a discovery and it’s all milestones I have to slowly unearth, discover, ask, learn, question and grow. (growth is subjective; growth is not permanent, growth can be temporal. growth can take place in the wrong fashion, growth isn’t always good)

I like songs, I like songs that are able to somehow identify and connect with that inner human soul within all of us that appeals to these songs that speak directly to us. I think we all have been too trained to safeguard our vulnerable selves through the establishment of a persona or facade that we all do not obviously fit in. Often, we end up weary, sad; unsure of what exactly we are, who we are because when you pretend for such a long time, you will one day wake up and realize that you aren’t even pretending. This is why we are erratic creatures of a unspoken nature, we claim to know ourselves, but do we? We’re talking about the entire humanity here, for over 2,000 years, philosophers came and go.

Do we really dare to say we know who we are, perhaps we do. But is that merely who you want to be, or who you think you are? Things are often different in your mind and in reality, we haven’t developed the ability to project ourselves in the flow of things of realism. We are simply living in a utopia that we create in our mind in bid for self-development, comfort. When you learn to confront change, perhaps that is truly mature? (bad word).

We haven’t learned to establish ourselves against songs, against music. After all, it’s a art; an inner expression of the human soul, a celebration of achievements of what we can achieve. The heart is vulnerable in light of such confrontations. Music does not merely exist to entertain, it speaks to the inner part of you, to awake you and perhaps, if you listen to sensible music, learn something about yourself.

This is bad post.

2 days left before the end of 2009! I think I will try to learn to thank things that happened in 2009, if I don’t too bad, because it will not matter existentially. I will forget about it, I will have forgotten how it moulded me into a better / worst person, I will simply live on and realize when I am old that I regret all these. Sometimes we have to make mistakes.

I rather talk to people outside of school than anyone from school; because it’s human to do so. It’s almost a phobia that what I tell these people would make them think of me as if I’m a total bastard, loser, asshole, ignorant idiot but it’s part of every person that exists; almost like a test of self-control and restrain. If you are good at dealing with it, so be it. Almost being image-conscious.

I like the idea that I can talk to people outside the regular social circle, where the person is totally disconnected from all the things you are worried about. It sometimes redefines friendship so much; the ability to share without the fear of being judged by another person. I keep asking questions and it just gets irritating and gets me more wear of life. It’s almost a form of justification that I can ignore anything that is practical because afterall, I am going to die.

I am probably possessing not one of the best mindsets around, the year is going to end, my first conscious decade in the 21st century, and I don’t really know what I want nor do I care, only to be constantly disturbed by the concept that school is going to start and I have to be grounded back into reality someday or another; that I have to start to accept things. I want to stay in the grey area of awareness and realism, find that balance and things will all work out. But obviously that isn’t going to happen, so I shall just go Hahahaha in all situations where I don’t know what to say and then feel shitty guilty over what happened and my inaction.

I am scared of failing too! So ironic. I don’t want to work, but I don’t want to die either, I want instant results. I have reasons to work, but I simply don’t do it because of obstacles.
I suxx0r and shall em0xz and read blogsecret.tumblr.com to make myself feel better perhaps.

*snigger at pathetic self*

Christmas Eve, hahaha Merry Christmas and a Crappy New Year!

Stand around at the pews and observe; you will realize that we are all mindless eternal beings of facelessness and similarity. Almost all with the same shade of obscenity and sweetening beauty! You start to realize how people are all the same, act the same, behave the same, nothing is too different. Sure she may carry a nicer bag than you, perhaps more education. But what really sets us apart? Is it really how you act, your values, mindsets and characteristics? Is it really like how they claim it to be your character, like how I am kind and great!

I think it’s our imperfections that make us different I guess. It’s supposed to be a season of joy!

Prove to me you are more than simply another person off the street; that you are not just another shadow behind me; that you are more than what you want to be because you have limitless potential. Prove to me that I am wrong; that I should be humbly below you; that you deserve to stand so high, so far and so distant.

I like the feeling of finding a song / tune that has always been in your head for a very long time! Colour my life with the chaos of trouble: There is something about the said and unsaid in our little world, that the unsaid is more important and the said is unimportant. Step on the fine thread!

GIMME A DRUG BABY BABY,
DRUG ME TO SENSELESSNESS
FIREWORKS AND I AM THE WHITEST BOY ALIVE.

ha ha, 11 days left, almost satirical of goal setting that I do this.
I think I know why I don’t find any motivation (hahaha I always find reasons and excuses) to do what I need to do, to excel and whatever that I want to because I don’t have that sentiment, that feeling or that particular emotion that is required for me to spur myself on. It’s scientifically proven that people don’t actually remember events, people, we remember emotions and how people make us feel!
Which is a awesome justification for not doing anything until I find the emotion.

Urghh, I cannot believe I have so many unwritten fears and certainties! I never feared inferiority so much before, because I believed that I could surpass the person anyway!