riot on empty streets

i think it’s right to do what you are doing but i think it’s wrong to associate yourself with such people? im not really someone who can impose my judgements / morality impositions on you but i find it irrational.

some people always think of themselves to be the ones that understand and the ones that empathize (not that im able to fully understand or empathize), and to be perhaps the messiah? to certain things, the ones that change the situations, the ones that are the unique ones. i remember in judaism, there’s a saying that there’re a number of people in this world in every generation, that are always virtuous, right, morally-bounded and are perhaps the true ones that care and i dont think you are just simply like that. these people are always quiet, they sift  through shadows, they’re like mouses in mouseholes (fine stupid metaphor) yet they affect the world, someway or another significantly through their deeds.

1) im not saying that you aren’t capable of doing what you are supposed to do, i just wonder if you’re the one who’s supposed to do it after all this that we went through, it’s really amazing how people emerge from the dust and start everything again. it’s like how everyone loves everything after the war, so clean, so new! just that maybe it wasn’t bloody enough (ahhh sardonic me)

2) i dont know whats wrong with you, haha.

im amazingly brilliant and im proud to say so, i’ve developed a studying area in my house by blockading my computer with a shelf (HA) so i can concentrate on doing my work without any distractions and it has proven itself to be scarily effective cos i have finished all my homework already (:D) and that i find myself  being able to do what i want to, just with some arrangement. i dont care if i have OCD, i like it, it makes my life so organised yet my thoughts after often contradictory. im more of a frivolous and a person with messy thoughts yet i often aspire to make my material world so perfect and organised. i realised i have never subconsciously think of things in complete sentences in my mind, usually they’re imagery (?), no, in fact they are just ideas that seem to materialize as images and my spontaneous thoughts come about, nonetheless ! the world is weird, everyone’s evolving changing, i can’t adapt fast enough.

i find people changing everday in my life, sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worst, but i never understood why do people even change. for a period of my life, i wanted myself to be stagnant, that my personality wouldn’t change nor get affected any way or so, i thought it was the best way to go around treating people, but i subsequently realised that i wasn’t being who i was, that i was placing a facade to make my life better, easier, often caught in a dilemma, im confused. i say i see many people maturing and going through self-realization, yet i notice that some people simply dont, im surprised and often i wonder what is going to happen in the future and this is when selfishness kicks in. i guess the best kind of a personality a person can adapt is nonchalance, controlled nonchalance, not too good, not too bad, just right in the middle, but that’s often..being character-less, i mean, that’s just sad. 10 years down the road you look back and remember, hey i didn’t have a character / personality, that’s just saddening. i dont know why im trying to talk about issues i dont understand but it kind of makes me feel better when i know i actually think about them, at least im not being overly-apathetic and i care, i care for certain things, selectively. caring is painfully dedicating,  if you truely care about someone, you can go all the way out, but it’s bad when you’re caught in the middle of caring and not-caring, ah that’s when you start to die.

i’d lie to myself that i saw you pass by my window, in that form of mirrored perspective that no one seemed to understand. you looked messy, like a complete fusion of myself and you in the future, i’d play a melody that soars through the atmosphere and sing it to it, but i wouldn’t care if you looked at me weirdly, cos if you ever loved me, nothing would change you from doing so. the dew did add some glory to your face, allow you to seem slightly..alluring, i wouldn’t allow it to overtake me, that’d be too weak. i was lonely, contented, happy because i knew, someone out there cared for me.

i think they are times in your life you have to just learn to be alone. and on a sidenote, i’ve never loved other subjects so much after doing math.

I SHALL POST LATER COS I’VE THINGS TO SAY.

[EDIT]
I DONT REALLY LOVE ANYTHING.
im suddenly reminded of i dont love anyone by B&S which is so dreamy and it goes something like. i dont love anyone, you’re not listening, you’re playing with something, you’re playing with yourself. i dont love the happy christmas, i dont love the happy things, well maybe my baby brother joe and then something like! one thing i learnt when i was still a child was to take a hike? haha i dont know, songs make me stupid.
*grins*

i think i’ve an innate ability to make seemingly normal things to be placed in a negative light and cause everyone to have misconceptions about it, condemning it and i think that’s quite scary cos someday if it affects some life-and-death matter, i’d die by continuously walking into a wall in scotland or some pastoral scene so i could be like the ugly spot on the great piece of art (oil canvas HAHA) and then i’d get honoured for my death, get a darwin award, get really famous and if possible i’ll return to my funeral to see how people will act when i die, i think that’s one of life’s greatest mystery that you’d never know how people act when you die unless you decide to fake a death? which is just weird and scary. someday i’ll buy a coffinn to be in my living room as my tea table and we could be all draconic and sardonic about it and lie to guests that it was used before though im pretty sure they’ll doubt me or A WATER BED! there was this weird art gallery named PEACH that we were forced to go and the only fun part about it was that there was this compartment where there was a water bed (ahh freaking comfortable) and it was meant to simulate a person floating on the sea looking up at the night sky but i guess i pretty much lost the essence of the art piece (it was never that pls!) cos i indulged playing around on the water bed. ahhh, it was so cool and foamy in the sense it actually changes it shapes to fit your body and you just feel floaty and great! like a cloud that’s bouncy and will never explode! i think forcing us to go for art gallery visits are good but forcing us to so call analyse it with a certain protocol is just plain weird cos if art was something to be so immaterial and so close to the soul, why would we be able to interpret it through normal ways of the worksheet which have to be marked? it’s just weird though i saw this waterboarding write-up which made it so horrible and scary and i thought that there was a video for it so it was like a horror movie, like i want to know what really happens but im afraid to know?

this week has really been a flash! everyday passes as quickly as the rate the wind was last night. ahhh i dont know what to say, tiring week, more to come next week. JGs finals tomorrow, with all the love and luck in the world !

the shadows slipped through the sift of time, she faded into the bright suns and dsiappeared. she was so surreal (in fact, everyone’s surreal to me?) and so bohemish that she was a complete mess of literature yet so lovely. her frowns were comforting and her smiles were embracing, she slipped her fingers into my warm embrace of nothingness as i noted the irony. i say the wind is strong, its lovely, irate, it’s blowing my paper away! she told me i was frivolous and whiny

i think that, that is the difference between the two of us that i thrive on simple little things while she was just innately different?

i say i could sit in an empty room and conduct my own orchestral and one moment, if i would allow a musical or a band into the room, it’d echo your name, then i’d assure that you your name will be known. maybe then when you open your eyes, you can see how beautiful the world is, then agree with me you’re hermit.

im lost and in a mess of my nonsensical writings!

i say one day we get a catharsis together, we’ll invent a machine / retreat to some lonely island perhaps Guantanamo bay and we’ll be sardonic losers and suck off all the essence of the world, then we’ll purify ourselves under the rivers of nile and mix with the sediment, perhaps lose a toe to a crocodile, then we’ll bleed and feel pain.
then we’ll truely understand why they call life, life perhaps.
but we shalln’t forget the wonders and glories of the world, we’ll venture, we’ll continue walking around till the clock draws circles, we won’t eat, we won’t drink, we’ll be hermits, we’ll have long hair, we’ll abstain from physical pleasure, we’ll be happy.
nonetheless, we need to build our machine! we must not forget, we’ll go to the purest places in the world, we’ll dance around under the moonlight and realise the sun in your eyes, then we’ll be contented silently. we’ll then fall in love, not get married, abstain from each other, we’ll invent the machine, someday, somehow. maybe if we cannot control our love and lust, the machine will feed on our love, we’ll be loveless lonely souls.

and when we get our machine working, we’ll dominate the world, we’ll make it a better place, shall we not.

this world is a total mess of moments that make you endear this world and truths about it that’re just so upsetting.

Sudanese Toddler

kevin carter took this photo of the sudanese toddler who’s on the ground crawling to a nearby UN Organization for Food thing one kilometre away and the vulture’s waiting to devour her.

the realities in this world sometimes just simply suck too much that you want to block out everything by saying wahtever to things occuring in this world but the sad truth is that you can’t just do it like how you deal with trivial issues with life cos these things are happening, and they’re true. i can’t believe that we’re studying our lifes away while people are out there suffering in africa cos there’s a lack of food when americans waste up to 48 tons of food each year that can feed so many adults in africa for an entire year and there we’re in our own lives complaining about little things that we aren’t able to deal with, so tiny, so insignificant, like a poppy seed in a great big bowl. i think such things affect me quite a bit and that it really places things into perspective now like why’re we complaining about things in life when people out there are suffering?

Say you are huge, look at the moon, look at the stars, look at the sun
Look at the ocean and the desert and the mountains and the sky
Say I am just a speck of dust inside a giant’s eye
I am just a speck of dust inside a giant’s eye

1) i dont know what’s the sense of direction in life! i know this sounds so repeated like everyone’s saying it, but we’re all just clueless people? as in, dont tell us to study to do well in tests, all these things are temporal! it’s like the rain in the sun and rainbows over the place, they all exist just for a moment then after a while they just disappear. we need something TRUE, something to look forward to in life, something like a swiss cottage, a guitar, coffee and contentment in a garden and a yorkshire terrier! ahh, something like that would be nice, rather than just results, i think i’m just being escapaist about my life cos my academics are dying (MATH WTHHH) and i just dont want to place attention on it by delusioning myself by saying that other things are more important in life!

2) you’re so cryptic and un-understandable, it’d be nice if you actually told me what’s wrong.

3)ahhh i think relationships are really complicated and stuff! hahah AND I REINSTILLED MY LOVE FOR IPODS thanks to avery la! hahah i think it’s important that i’ve something that i want but i dont have yet i know it’s possible i can get it someday cos it’ll allow me to look forward to something in life, add some colour and meaning! i remember a certain part of change of heart, bourne gets a brownie for saving someone’s child and the person secretly slips him a brownie which smells so so good and the brownie’s smell wafted around the entire cell, and Luicis asks him, why don’t you just fucking eat it, bourne (on death trial) says, “if i eat it, then there wouldn’t be anything for me to look forward to tomorrow”. ah so freaking apt.

4) i need to start listening to songs and understanding their meaning, and i realised that golding’s quite a weird person and it really addresses stuff! i do wonder if savagery will overcome me if i get stranded on some island for survival against civilization, interesting interesting. hahah coral island’s quite stupid i realised, in contrary to golding

5)AHHH TOOK SUCH A LONG TIME TO REACH HOME FROM ANG MOH KIO WITH AVERY ON THE TRAIN.

medically speaking, you’re adorable and from what i hear, you’re quite affordable. everytime i walk past your window, i see my windowed perspective from the trackways and the glint of the paintings hung around your room like miranda pristly’s office and maybe someday we can change that and hobo around cos i dont care what people think about us, i dont care what people hear us singing cos there’s nobody else in the meadows. there’s a small voice crying from the river from the meadows, what went wrong, our grades were good!

just a minute close your eyes, settle for this comprimise, i’ll do anything.

luv enigma!

The clock draws a complete circle

These moments are rare to come, where the air is just stale, stagnant – where the deafeningly silent screams echo throughout. We need more nights like these where we pew along the church corridors and just ruminate about the world; our very own existence. The hands of the clock draw to a complete circle. “Would this really be the correct way to life” we doubt ourselves with brutal honesty. Our conscience always shouts in reply, tainting ourselves with guilt and doubtfulness – for the moment. Nonetheless, it’s better to face such things with a sense of poise and rationality; to let things pass. With words of encouragement and catalysts of confidence, our indecisiveness surfaces thoughts resulting in disasters that no one would foresee – a similar case being how Bloodworth dealt with the Great Fire. Hypocrisy in all of this? We often allow ambiguity to blind us allowing us to fail others with mere incertitude.

The clock draws a semi-circle.

We sit on the pews and doze off to wake up to a pillaged world. We simply let the world rush past us in the build-up. We do nothing. It’s ironic how much we like to complain yet reminiscent so much when it’s over. It’s ironic how we only learn to appreciate things when they are over – perhaps mull over them. It’s ironic for us to do as such. As the members of the church’s congregation come filling in for their weekly service confessing their sins, we depart as silently as the silhouettes against the ascending sun. We smell of the morning dew as we shuffle those fickle feet that struggle in our conscience – scheming back against us – to the bus-stop just across. As we trudged on the road less travelled, the sun was unsympathetic, sighing its reluctant rays onto us. The tartar road lined with trees was teeming with cars; so much for saving the environment. We all knew that then was not the moment for us to transcend beyond the norms. Complex knots of thoughts wound themselves around our heads, chaining an immediate pressing tension for questions – questions that have appeared in the twilight before. We’ve all been in confusion, regret and failure. We pray night after night for answers that none would heed. We’ve all been in confusion, regret and failure. We pray so much in vain that hope seems to diminish as quickly as memories now do. We’ve all been in confusion, regret and failure. Contemplating aimlessly over questions that do not seem to have any answers; our blood drained clean, clean from our pale faces as we sigh in resentment. We reach the bus stop, and simply take the first bus we see, with no aim or clue as to where we were going. We simply follow blindly.

The clock draws a semi-quarter circle.

We wake up to find ourselves in twilight, missing in darkness. It reflected our mood well. Dark, moody and sullen. It was one of those sporadic days where we find ourselves in places we belong, like Gothic elements out of a storybook. The bus was still travelling as we allowed our pupils to dilate and observe the modern landscape. Others were simply too absorbed in their lives to savour the beauty of simplicity, forever too occupied to split the hairs of life with due respect and appropriate detail. Few linger behind to think, observe and find answers for questions that everybody else have arrogantly assumed so. Seeking solace admist the crowds, we enjoy the sensations as we bend forward to press pause on the video player of life. Finally, we could watch as if we’re not part of it. The clock draws a complete circle, no – almost complete. It was minutes to midnight, and the clock was ticking. We were off the bus, back at home, on our couches thinking about life. Ah, how fast time passes when one is occupied. Realization dawned upon us as we felt a sudden an acrimonious dissolution. That joy, that europhia, swept past us with the sudden catharsis of our souls. Feeling like a free soul, we feel detached, away, separated from our wordly possessions, our escapades where we drink ourselves senseless, thinking, ‘Perhaps this will solve the problem’. The answers have always been with us, hidden deep down in our souls. All we needed was to stop, and perhaps appreciate the beauty of life.

The clock draws a complete circle

We finally found the solace we’ve all been looking for in our lives.

and i therefore say im sad and hopeless!

IM CRIPPLED SENSELESS BY MY INCAPABILITY TO BREATHE PROPERLY.