riot on empty streets

Keep looking for the doorway till you realize you need a light! then finally, come to understand why you exist and why you don’t! okay today was pretty philosophical, but a lot $$ was wasted as usual. we talked about why we exist, that we’ll die one day then why do we do all this time, why we should subscribe to a religion, realization of many things! ended up feeling rather suicidal! haha

I’m starting to hate holidays because you’re given too much time to sit around by the window, stare at the construction sites near my house that look scenic with the sky actually (i’m a freak.) and think about stupid things you have done. it’s not as if i’ve never done it before, but that I start to realise how a total jackass I am / was / is / can / be, which hey, isn’t really bad, at least I realise or that I’m deceiving myself to believe.

it’s all right, we’ll all just feel sad, sit along at the coast lines of a nice park and swing from side to side till the sun goes down and then we all go home in silence, wouldn’t help much but provide some form of therapeutic consolation to my soul and conscience. I was walking home yesterday at sunset and it just drizzled, it was dark with the clouds and windy. kind of like part of a canvas painting that I stood there in the middle of the walkway to look prophetic to see the construction thing swing around slowly in the orange hue in the sky which was my favourite colour! maybe it’s a secret message to me that I should grow up to be an engineer or something!

someday, somehow, we’ll all grow up to forget each other and then ask ourselves, who do we live for.

someway or another, I’ll also remember to post this, and somehow, I’m glad this hardly gets any hits for it gives me more autonomy to write what I really believe in sometimes. 30th October was a flash, it didn’t even have any time for the realization that the year was ending; that I was going to be secondary 3, that I was actually going to leave my class. On the morning that we were in class for the usual illegal congregation about life&sex, then it dawned upon me that this was going to be the last time I was ever going to do this with the same group of people in this same classroom? It was sudden, sharp yet blunt in it’s force, the feeling that you have a miner working his way inside out. I never presented myself more than who I was in school to anyone else (everyone likes to be special) and there’s no shame in it.

a year passed and it was fast, like you could look into the mirror and almost just see the gradient curve even more gradually yet never notice it! it’s subtle but powerful, reminding you to appreciate and be contented with what you have because it’ll never stay that way. 1C’08 and 2A3′09 was indeed special, perhaps more  special than the other classes I have being with (this makes me feel so detached and distanced from reality) that we’re finally going to split up, stream and never chat like what we always do. What we have in our class is queer, we are a class of nonchalance, unity (expressed in different manners), we disappoint people, but at the end, we stick to each other like glue, and how we amazingly manage to do well for tests with the muggerauras and free notes being passed around. We hardly know each other properly beneath what we present to each other, and that’s saddening because we will never understand who we are but just stay as the glossy images we are. Well, we have survived through the different eras together, from SPASMBOY to like pms woman, boobman.

somehow or another, we met 有缘千里来相会，无缘面对不相识. thank you for whatever you have given me.

let me chase my back and let me do it, because beauty is found in the process but what you achieve will never be as good as what you really imagined it to be, yet you try. no matter, what’s wrong with that?

if someone could just remember sometime! somewhere that I am human and I have feelings, maybe things would be better, better than simply waiting for me to tell you what’s wrong, why’s it wrong, what you should do. hate this.

OBS was hell, we walked through hell and survived. The joy we describe isn’t the kind that is cheap sickly sweet joy that you experience after you finish something superficial, it’s sort of that kind of feeling that you know for once, you did something extraordinary (perhaps not to the others) but to yourself. TREKKING THROUGH CRAZY DISTANCES, pitching in utter darkness, learning how to combine different swear words to form one long string to express how you feel in the morning, KAYAKING TO AND FRO SINGAPORE ACROSS THE CHANNEL which was super exciting with the oil tanker!!! It’s almost a form of escapism for all of us to go to OBS that for that 5 days, you worry about food, accommodation, would you be able to shower that night, when will you sleep, will that be water rather than MSG, friendship, politics, school and everything else. To be constantly worried holds the heart down, for OBS has a certain way of making everyone hate it together so you become so close to each other that you appreciate their existence and almost everything that you have around you, perhaps make you a happier person for I am afraid that I’ll lose all this when I phase back into where I should be. This is why OBS is special.

OBS OBS OBS OBS BAKC ON SATURDAY.

I think I just realised, how scary it is to be growing up.

I hate days where it’s so perfect, that you can lie on the top of the meadow looking at clouds float by, with coffee, a great book and everything else because it destroys everything you have to look forward to. It’s the kind of descent that you feel after you know that the best day of your life just passed, and it’s time to go back to reality. I rather have constant perks and surprises daily to keep me awake.

A dog has no use for fancy cars or big homes or designer clothes. A waterlogged stick will do just fine. A dog didn’t care if you are rich or poor, clever or dull, smart or dumb. Give him your heart and he’ll give you his. How many people can you say that about? How many people can make you feel rare, pure and special? How many people make you feel extraordinary.