riot on empty streets

screw hot air balloons

HOLD STILL AND DON’T LET GO YET.

Is okay, I have 34 days left to do whatever I pledge myself to do so that I’ll trust myself again.

1) need motivation to do what I pledge to do

2) need reason

3) need someone to give me the answer for the above questions.

not his chicken

Okay, I fell asleep when I was trying to compose this & I’m utterly ashamed of myself!

1) I went out on Sunday to buy stuff, and realize that I have a secret fetish for things that people use to organise and separate things, like files, folders, drawers, plastic sheets! It’s like my secret Aristotelian desire to organise everything so that everything will be in the right place. I remember a quote from Sophie’s World that if one day, you find something you cannot categorize, there’s something wrong with the world. Srsly speaking, I think Humans cannot be categorized to be humans, cos we don’t have enough of the loving business going on neither is that the distinct trend of humanity within all of us to distinguish us between the rest of the animals! We all probably have the same primal instincts, common sense and emotions to able us to feel things, only that we build ourselves upon things we smartly base ourselves upon. Urghh, someone give me a kiss and restore the warmth to my brain, I’m not find any sense.

2) There was this book for children which was pretty cool about How the Body Works, so there were stuff like Glow-in-the-Dark skeleton and everything + random facts about the body for little kids, and apparently on the page of reproduction, they smartly refer to sex as  ”After your parents have a special cuddle….”

So cute right! The euphemisms we can think of to replace sex for kiddos.

3) I bought my books, following my list, think I might fail, hope I won’t, v. sleepy. Natalie Dee is good.

1) I decided to start to reinstill some faith back into myself as a individual so that  wouldn’t be entirely hopeless and vulnerable when 2010 starts because when it starts, I don’t think I have time for any more of this. I have started a wunderful! onenote book which is quite nice, therefore I shall document everything I will do in there including council, academics and just my personal stuff. It’s a beginning but it’s a beginning, I’ve actually being able to tick the to-do boxes which is secretly my secret addiction to tick everything in the page heh.

2) I’m up early by my standards today and I breathe.

3)I am most afraid of waking up in the middle of the night, sweating and panting after a bad dream (I have creepy dreams) and realising that everything that I dreamt of wasn’t true; but in a split second, realise that it was a totally possible scenario.

I have given myself a promise of 40 days and somehow, I’ll do it.

I have many thoughts to be expressed although I cannot find the right medium because my wordpress isn’t exactly the best medium for me to express myself! An expression of the joy! The delight and maybe the sorrow that must exist to counterbalance my joyous soul and spirit so I will be alive and contented, and compose it into words that I will use to tell others. <:

1) LLS was fun to a certain extent I guess, it was just like any other camp with the dreariness on the first day and attempts to slowly to get to know others and then have fun. I probably didn’t live up to the “legacy” the seniors left behind from last year because of my lack of enthusiasm and that it is just not in the nature of me to be so flamboyantly loud and expressive in light of the theme of leadership! It made me think, which is good and I srsly need to think a lot more which I promise that I will do someday, when I sit down alone in solitude so that I can settle my soul and balance myself out.

2) I watched julie and julia which was frankly quite interesting, with all the food and the blogging! I’m somehow similar to Julia because both of us aren’t sure of what to do, she has ADD which I don’t have but it would be nice if I actually managed to settle down so that I can focus on a task and do it really well rather than toggle with everything else that I need to do and not necessarily give the best in whatever I do.

3) Sekretly, I want to make 2009 memorable and I have 41 days left. I’m going to set myself a target, and will accomplish it by the end of this year in 41 days. This blog will be a living (haha irony.) testimony to my promise to myself, and maybe I can try to reinstill the faith within myself. I haven’t really found anything to do yet, someone tell me!

find me a friend where we’ll agree to live in a cottage covered by snow, where things cannot grow but we’ll thrive and survive, we can go for toboggan rides together. christmas is coming and it’ll be over, soon i’ll be listless and back in school, i’ll find someway to live through my school days, nodding my heart and settling. i’ve evaded an entire year, not very sure what i’ve learnt or done, but it’s too early for reflections for i have 1 more month to live through this year, and maybe think over it.

i remember posting something like this sometime back; about how people mature and i wonder if i would ever mature or sound different in a few years or so. too incoherent, disconcerted with what’s happening to string a sentence. the oyster is my world and i’m going to dip myself in red paint.

midnight cycling was classssssic. it was pretty amazing that i would ever do it, never would i imagine myself ever doing that, but it did teach me that i was actually better on the bicycle than on my feet.

there’s work to be done, camps to be attended and life is jaded and all fine. i’ve been reading sophie’s world which is mindrape for me >: ( because plato is so abstract and all the weird names of the natural philosophers are so cute that i should name my child after one of them one day, like anaxagoras or something, then he’ll grow up to be a famous philosopher, grow old and think all life. i think philosophers are the best and worst things one can be when they grow old and are going to die, they will be aware of the world, aware of their thinking but it’ll be sad, if they just simply died and ceased to exist, where the world of idea doesn’t even exist, they’ll have live a life of nothingness. to think shouldn’t be just the job of a philosopher, everyone has the same set of common sense, same brains, it’s just how much we want to think? urghh, i cannot comprehend what i believe in for now till i can mature and set my thoughts straight which is bad because i’ll stagnate.

full of questions!

Keep looking for the doorway till you realize you need a light! then finally, come to understand why you exist and why you don’t! okay today was pretty philosophical, but a lot $$ was wasted as usual. we talked about why we exist, that we’ll die one day then why do we do all this time, why we should subscribe to a religion, realization of many things! ended up feeling rather suicidal! haha

I’m starting to hate holidays because you’re given too much time to sit around by the window, stare at the construction sites near my house that look scenic with the sky actually (i’m a freak.) and think about stupid things you have done. it’s not as if i’ve never done it before, but that I start to realise how a total jackass I am / was / is / can / be, which hey, isn’t really bad, at least I realise or that I’m deceiving myself to believe.

it’s all right, we’ll all just feel sad, sit along at the coast lines of a nice park and swing from side to side till the sun goes down and then we all go home in silence, wouldn’t help much but provide some form of therapeutic consolation to my soul and conscience. I was walking home yesterday at sunset and it just drizzled, it was dark with the clouds and windy. kind of like part of a canvas painting that I stood there in the middle of the walkway to look prophetic to see the construction thing swing around slowly in the orange hue in the sky which was my favourite colour! maybe it’s a secret message to me that I should grow up to be an engineer or something!

someday, somehow, we’ll all grow up to forget each other and then ask ourselves, who do we live for.